Wronged

7:23 PM

Is it so wrong to be myself when most of the time I am not? I know by the rules I am not allowed to do as I like. But that’s the way I like it. Though it results in sins, I cannot help but do it, as it makes me feel better than when I’m not doing it. I am nowhere near being happy. Yet they say happiness comes from yourself. Does it? I want to be happy. God, I really want to. But maybe this is why I don’t feel the happiness in my life. Perhaps He is angry at me, for not obeying his rules and doing all the opposites as I please. I know I’m not supposed to, but here I am—committing sins as if they are nothing when I shouldn’t. I am judged for the things I do, whether or not they are good or bad. Hence why I just do it, but I get called out and it irritates me. It makes me feel so wrong. I hate it. I hate this.

Should I just follow what I am told to do knowing that it won’t make me happy? Should I just abandon my coping mechanism because I am afraid of what others might say? Should I forget the confidence I have for the sake of keeping my name clean?

People will talk anyway. Might as well just do it.